Gothic Academia - Blog Posts

Transi by Eugenia Bathoriya

Vector Frankenstein.

Original:

Is there a single novel from the 1800s that is not gay?

it's so weird re-reading this two years later. i remember that time and i remember how stressed and anxious about it all i was. i remember thinking i might fail and how scared i was of disappointing everyone but first and foremost myself, but now that i know how this year was going to go for me i realize how silly it was of me to be this scared. of course at the time it wasn't silly and those feelings were absolutely valid but in retrospect, oh how i hurt myself stressing myself out and doubting myself so much. i wish i could tell 2021 me that everything was going to be alright and that i should trust myself more.

but maybe i can still say that to myself. maybe i can use this experience to help me trust myself more today. come back to this when in doubt. 🩶

09.12.2021 (i'm belgian so i use the dd.mm.yyyy date format)

i couldn't possibly tell you how happy and grateful i am right now that my first little post could attract so many responses. never in a million years could i have imagined that people would like it that much and i didn't expect it to gain more than 10 notes and here we are almost a month later (i'm sorry) and it has gathered almost 70x that amount. i am so grateful to each and one of you for interacting with this post and giving me the confidence to continue posting on this account.

i hope that in the future i can continue to create content that you guys will like and that will have a positive impact on others, know that i will try my best to post interesting things and helpful posts.

today i'm studying at the library again. i'm working on my literary analysis class because my exam is next week and i am terrified i will fail and that for various reasons.

the first of them is that this year is extremely important for me as i have failed my 3rd year of BA this september and i am currently retaking it having changed my minor from musicology to english, which means i cannot afford to fail this year again. besides in the past i've usually got very good grades in my english classes and thus my parents are expecting a lot from me this year as all my classes are english classes. finally, as i have to take both 1st year and 2d year classes in the same year some things are harder for me as i don't have the necessary knowledge the second year classes are build upon and my literature TA kindly agreed to share with me the course's slides before everyone else so i could work in advance, therefore i'm worried i'll fail and disappoint him given that he has been so kind to me this semester and made exceptions to his rules to help me with the class, i want to show him it was worth it and he was right to trust me.

all in all i am worried i'll fall short of all these people's expectations. i try to stay confident and give my best in my studying but that lingering feeling of inadequacy is never far away hidden in some dark corner of my mind.

my advice to myself and to all of the people reading this that are feeling the same things, is to try and remember that these are just feelings and not facts and that we are stronger than the mean anxious voice in our minds. let's continue to work hard (without overexerting ourselves) to prove to ourselves first and foremost that we are capable of doing this and that we're great no matter what, that academic success is not all that matters and that we have many other qualities that define us way better than our ability to regurgitate knowledge in an exam, in conditions that are not those of real life. 🤎

“In my restless dreams, I see that town. Silent Hill. You promised me you'd take me there again someday. But because of me, you were never able to. Well, I'm alone there now… In our “special place.” Waiting for you…" Waiting for you to come to see me. But you never do. And so I wait, wrapped in my cocoon of pain and loneliness. I know I've done a terrible thing to you. Something you'll never forgive me for. I wish I could change that, but I can't. I feel so pathetic and ugly lying here, waiting for you...

O Fortuna

Velut luna

Statu variabilis

Semper crescis

Aut decrescis

- Carl Orff, Carmina Burana