I Refuse To Let Them Think I’m Stupid

Bathroom morning hope

21 mar 2024

Ive coined a new term,

Bathroom morning hope, when I walk into the bathroom in the morning and the sun always shines brighter in there and it’s bright and big and beautiful and I have a small seed of hope that today won’t be like all of those other days and we’ll be happy and calm and I think I’ll be ok for those few minutes in bathroom morning hope.

anyways,

oh wow i’m in love with asa butterfeild and his BLUE ass eyes

A massive wuss

3 dec 2024

I can’t watch sad movies- or any movies with pain

I have to look up the plot to every movie before I watch it because I hate being surprised by the ending and I can’t handle the suspense

And maybe that’s why I hate life: There’s no IMDB, no plot synopsis to check. The ending is unknowable.

Anyways,

any wildest fantasies?

being loved or something

i know this is basically gospel already

but keith with physical touch as a love language. not because he wasnt held as a child or anything but because his mom actually like held him a LOT and now thats just how he recognizes and reciprocates affection

he’s always shoulder to shoulder with someone or has his hand on the back of someone’s neck not in a weird way but in a like. “i am here i am watching your blind spot for you and you will be safe”

with lance especially

always a hand on his lower back or between his shoulderblades where the scars from the rover incident are

tucking a hand in the pocket of lance’s jeans when they’re standing in the kitchen together

holding onto his ankle if his feet are in keiths lap

keith just keiths like that. yk?

Being sick sucks so bad

13 aug 2024

I’ve been sick with some stomach flu recently and just remembered how horrible it is to need to throw up (it’s so bad) BUT the worst thing is that it’s been a week and I’ve not been able to stand up without being really nauseous?? Like if I stand up slowly it’s fine I just get a little ache but if I just go from laying to sitting up or sitting to standing too quickly I feel like vomiting AND SOMETIMES I DO

this sucks and I hate it here.

Anyways,

jack of all trades, master of none

28th dec 2023

yk how much better my life would be if i was really really good at one thing, im pretty mediocre at a lot of things but if i was really really good at one thing i think my quality of life would skyrocket.

also im not even like medium good at the things im good at, yeah im alright and i like them but what good is liking something when your 60% shitty at it and all you do all day is long for natural talent when thats never gonna come. i love writing but im not very good at it, i wish i could act, if i could swim my life would be great, hell if i was a long distance runner i would be happy. i just want do be good at something that isnt just feeling emotions very deeply and longing for something tangible. all my grades arent bad but arent good, im not a great friend, im not even that good of a person. i like things and have passion but no grit or determination because really if i didnt pick a career at 5 i think id spend the rest of my life starving in the crotch of a fig tree, wishing for some voice to tell me or for my heart to tell me but i dont even know what to do with my life past uni and thats if i scrape up good enough grades. i wish i didnt spend all my time laying there pretending that im someone im not.

anyways

THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO A PERSON EVER IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND HAPPENED TO ME

19th Jan 2024

Firstly, I was being very dramatic yesterday (when am I not) but when I walked out of chemistry (for the second time that day) ((after a too much to be a coincidence amount of hand touching but that’s for you to decide)) and meet kakak in the front of the auditorium and he walks past us, looks directly at her and DOESNT STOP UNTIL HES OUTSIDE. to the point that she points it out and asks who he is. i will bash my own head in. And at lunch she comes over to steal my food and all anyone can talk about is how gorgeous she is for the next ten minutes.

i am going to spend the rest of my life in her shadow.

anyways,

i appreciate the thought i really do

27th jan 2024

my dad got me a cactus with purple flowers because purple is my favourite colour, the flowers were fake and hot glued onto the very real very alive cactus.i pulled them off to get the hot glue off of the cactus and showed him how horrible it is that they hot glued flowers onto an alive plant, he says he got it because i like purple and now ive ripped the purple off. its some pained metaphor but its sweet how he tries

anyways,

Intimacy is not just about sex. It's having heart-to-hearts, staying up all night talking, sharing childhood memories, thoughts, fears, dreams & hopes for the future. It's uncontrollable laughter, direct eye contact and feeling each other without touching - it's exchanging energy