Latest Posts by jalakanyaka - Page 6
loneliness is not a disease it is a medicine to be alone with your thoughts and release the crinkled eyebrows you've been holding in all day and it feels upsetting to not have the presence of another person but then you are aware of your own soul overtaking the room and filling you up with your warmth and suddenly you are burning like a blue flame because you forgot the kind person you are and everything is okay in the world for the moment you are able to sip some water and curl in your bed and its lonely but its your comfort
The Handmaiden (2016)
i think the hardest part is knowing that i'm temporary in someone else's life. in everyone's life. i feel like i spend a second in their life, make a small splash, then i drown in the water, and make zero impact when i crash. i'm simply a phase, a trend that will die, a cloud that passed through the day, a bug that lives two weeks, something that can't be forever. i can't be forever in someone's life. i know i can't. i just pass through them and even when their life flashes before their eyes, they probably won't remember me because there is nothing worth remembering. i am just a gust of wind, i'll flow with the wind and return to the sea
i like playing dumb about not knowing things so someone who cares about me will gently explain it to me and i will feel loved once in a while
i also enjoy peoples faces lighting up when they get to explain something to me
i wish i had an older person to take care of me forever. someone who'll kiss me and care for me and tell me that everything will be alright. someone that will tell me what to wear and what to eat so my mind will remain clear and i don't have to worry about anything other than suffocating in their smell and their warmth and i can just follow them and do what they want because the thought of following my own mind scares me and i am worried i'm going to be the reason for my own demise because i am evil. i want a heroine to sleep with me forever and kiss my neck so i can remain sane. is that codependency
i wish i could let them know that i'm not thin, not even close to it. i feel fuller every day and nothing is stopping me because i think i might be healing but i don't think those who heal get destructive thoughts like this and i don't mind being the enemy and contrarian of my own mind because it only reminds me how sick i am and i love knowing how sick i am, it makes me feel worse and i know that i achieved my goal but sometimes i feel alone because who could i really talk to about this who would understand and cradle my face in their hands and plant kisses on my forehead and tell me that they'll look after me forever and i'll never have to feel like this ever again
this cruel envy fills me whenever i see that others are doing worse than me. i think it's a superiority complex or a messed up inferiority complex but there's this voice inside me that parrots "you must always be doing worse than them." everything feels like a competition for the worse because those who feel bad also get attention and i want that attention. i want people to care about me, i want to be sick so people can acknowledge that i'm sick and think about and talk about me like conversation topics so i feel special to them, no matter how terrible it is. i know it would be impossible to achieve this through good things like awards or competitions, so i'll get the attention in the one way i can: by suffering and making everyone aware of it. i'm not good enough that people will care so i'll be sick enough so they'll be forced to care
i have this distinct need to make myself the smallest in a room because i always take up too my space with my loud voice. i talk loudly and flail my hands around because i don't know how to control myself in front of other people. so maybe, if the bones in my body shrunk and i lost more than eighty percent of my fat then my voice would shrink with me and i would match the tone of the normal people in the room. maybe then i can not only look at myself in the mirror and be happy, i can also listen to my own voice and avoid wanting to claw out my vocal chords. i'll feel normal i think
i want to sit in the lap of a pretty girl and kiss her stupid. intertwine my hands with hers and watch her smile and pull me closer. i want to wrap my hands around her shoulders and feel her arms around my waist and trace her lips and be lost in her warmth forever. i want our noses to bump accidentally so we pull back and look at each other and laugh over what we have. i want to kiss her lips and cheekbones and neck and jaw and forehead and eyebrows and everywhere. i want her to hold me and trace kisses down my neck and touch me in ways i've never touched myself. i want a girl to lay me down on a bed and make me hers
some nights i feel so alone that a bubble balloons up in my stomach and dares to pop and im terrified that my mood will explode with it and ill have no emotions left and i will just be left empty with scattered organs and mindless memories of a simpler time when i felt the warmth of another body and could connect but the present is so cold
having bpd and constantly hurting people around you with your anger issues is so painful and the guilt is worse i hate myself
i have this deep need to stuff myself full of used up dirty towels and let it soak up all my blood so i'm left with just dried organs and i am a useless vessel that is empty of all fluids so i won't be able to cry
sometimes i just feel this crumbled up piece of paper in my stomach and it wont go away and instead my mouth gets dry and im scared of everything and the next day seems so far away and im choking on my own fears and not sure if ill make it through
so suffocating when i can hear my family downstairs laughing and having the time of their lives while im upstairs burying my face into my pillow sobbing because i dont feel normal and im afraid i never will and my self is slipping away and im aching to hold on to that temporary fulfillment i have sometimes
i guilt myself the most i am the one with the bugs that crawl around my stomach and make me cough my heart out so i dont have the strength to live as a real person who feels moderately and all my emotions are leaking over themselves and sinking me in im not sure how ill survive adulthood
i want to melt into this bed and be stuffed with rocks until im all filled up so i cant be awoken and my soul drifts off my body and takes part in my day to day experiences and i am left to soak in my sweat and sleep forever
thinking about this
no nevermind i love her she took off my glasses when i fell asleep on the couch and put another blanket on me
i need to hug my mother and cry into her neck because i miss the warm embrace of her womb and this bed is too cold for me; i just wish she held me. i just want her to care for me forever, no matter how bitter and painful loving me is
nevermind im mad at her again
i need to hug my mother and cry into her neck because i miss the warm embrace of her womb and this bed is too cold for me; i just wish she held me. i just want her to care for me forever, no matter how bitter and painful loving me is
i need to hug my mother and cry into her neck because i miss the warm embrace of her womb and this bed is too cold for me; i just wish she held me. i just want her to care for me forever, no matter how bitter and painful loving me is
the food in little forest (2018) looked so good. it looked good in a way that reminded me of home, in a way that made my heart warm. it was comforting to watch after a difficult day.
me after screaming at everyone i know and isolating myself from my family and locking myself in my room because i think no one likes me or cares about me and the voice in my head said so and it practically runs my self esteem
favorite thing to do is steal other peoples creative decorations and pretend like i thought of that like i saw a computer decorated w stickers and i decided im gonna copy exactly that and pretend i thought of it
no one cares but my make up is
pressed powder
mascara
blush
highlighter
lip tint / lipstick / lip gloss
i'm so in love with the "legend" that your beauty marks / moles are where your lover liked to kiss you the most in your past life. like how beautiful is it that some pretty girl who loved me kissed me all over my back and neck and hands in some past life and i get to carry all of that love with me in this life ?? that is lovely to think about
me after my mind tries to convince me that everything that goes against my morals is something that i actually believe in so suddenly im sent into this spiral where i feel like a disgusting insect because i keep thinking of horrifying things and maybe i dont have any morals and i actually believe in the wrong stuff. but no its my brain trying to make me feel guilty and make me feel like my entire existence is wrong and im just a big fat liar and i have never been the right person my entire life
yeah this is a new account and i'll only be here whenever i have a meltdown but atleast it has personality
i shouldve lied about my age on here