bluedrawsblue

Latest Posts by bluedrawsblue

I am addicted to the hatred of others in my community. Dear hometown, I drink your hatred of me like the finest craft root beer. I will never stop panhandling. I will never stop begging. Because your hatred makes me feel alive. All I am doing is asking for help. The more everyone in my community hates me, the more confident I am in my moral superiority. I don't care about your money, hometown. That is just a bonus. I want you to give me all of your disgusting, evil hatred for the poor, because I love it!

Okay, maybe my community is more generous than I thought. I got 6 dollars in four hours of begging. That meets my fundraising goal for today. I just want to try to make 5 dollars a day to pay for my nicotine habit. I'm sorry I went off the rails there. I hate it when my anger takes over. The anger, I think, was a response to putting myself in a very phobic situation. Rejection hurts, but I should not wish others ill. Some days, the mental illness wins.

All right, enough rest. Time to go back out there and be a public nuisance. I need to make it my mission to annoy every single person in my community with my panhandling. I realize now that nobody is going to give me any money. So my panhandling is now about finding pleasure in causing irritation to others. And if I get some money as well, all the better! I'm taking a chair this time. If nobody is actually going to pay me, I may as well make myself comfortable.

You know, I really hate my community a lot. It felt good to cause a public nuisance by panhandling at an intersection for a couple of hours. I hope that I caused a lot of annoyance for a lot of people. I didn't make any money, but that's not the point. My relationship with my community is now one where I go around asking as many people as possible for money, to express my displeasure. I hope everyone who drove past me at that intersection gets a flat tire. Screw you, everybody in my hometown. Screw all of you and give me money!

I tried to quit nicotine again yesterday. Cue the instability and mental screaming. I couldn't do it. I bought some more nicotine. Panhandling annoys the conservatives, and it will pay for my nicotine. I really need to get out there and panhandle. The worst thing that could happen is a mugger tries to kill me and take my money. I am a giant. I have never been mugged before. The first person who tries to mug me gets to find out what it's like to have all their joints dislocated one by one. But that probably won't happen. I'll take a picture of the panhandling spot and post a tracing this evening.

I slept all day today. I wish I didn't hate myself so much. I really have a lot of self-hate. Forgiving myself is something I'm working on. Being angry at myself for being disabled is so cruel and bigoted. I just want the mental screaming to stop, so I can rest.

So, as an agender nonbinary person, I usually try to avoid gendered language. I chose two staves, "Men" and "Bass", initially, to describe a trio to be performed by myself. These are the options the program provides. "Bass" is already gender-neutral. But I thought it would be more gender-neutral to describe the two higher voices as "Low Voices" instead of "Men." So that's what I did.

Let Bert do his thing. He got flow.

i’m losing my mind

I need to work from home because I get panic attacks. Making music is my best chance at earning a living online. I have depression. I have to start writing the sheet music now, while I'm not feeling well. The mental effort will slowly improve my mood as I work. Waiting for the depression to go away never works. The depression will always be there. The only way to improve the depression is to summon the willpower to be productive. I know that the music will be good enough to earn donations. I just have to have faith and trust the process.

I cleaned my room and mowed the lawn today. So that's good.

Give me your energy, internet friends. It is so hard to push through the depression and do anything. I'm just gonna borrow your energy for a minute; I'll give it right back.

I have a song in mind. Three singers, bass, baritone, and tenor, playing a guitar, a tambourine, and tapping sticks. I have to sing all three parts myself. If I don't write it down now, I'm going to forget it. I have imposter syndrome so bad. Or maybe it's learned helplessness. But I'll just do my best and then the result will tell us whether I'm an imposter or not.

Ugh, the lyrics that I wrote are so bad. I'm done trying to write lyrics. Vocals don't have to have words. I have to push through this mental fog and try to actually make good music. Waking up from deep depression is so hard, but it is possible. Mental effort will help to clear the fog away.

Okay, lyrics for the song are done, I think. The next step is writing out the sheet music. I have tried to keep the problem as simple as possible, But I am not recording any music today. That was silly. I have to rehearse the music first until performing it is automatic. I don't get to skip work just because I have talent.

Good morning! It is, in theory, possible for me to compose and record a new song today. I may as well try. The composition will be for two performers, one singer playing a guitar and another singer playing tapping sticks. I don't have another performer though, so I'll have to do both parts myself. I am not so religious anymore, but I have been encouraged by these words since childhood: Oh sing unto the Lord a new song! Sing unto the Lord all the Earth! - Psalm 96:1

Frankly, I am getting tired of these "daily affirmations." There are better ways to boost my self-esteem. One more affirmation, perhaps. My name is Blue. I am undefined. I defy explanation. I am a random person who has had a random life.

I am a former choir singer and a former church guitarist. I feel inspired to compose music again. I have a song in mind. I just need to write it down and practice it. I promise you that my voice is much better than my drawings. I'll make an anonymous Bandcamp account and post a link to the song later.

I mowed the lawn today. Also, I guess I'm quitting nicotine today. So that's nice. I'll let you all know how that's going. I'm going to try to sleep off the nicotine withdrawal for a while.

I am sorry that I have trouble finding interesting things to say. The words just are not there. I try to think of words and there is nothing. I had to forget about my past. I have no stories to tell. I feel like I have a blank or empty personality. I am still figuring out who I am. Daily Affirmation: My name is Blue, and I am a new person.

Okay, here's a rainbow compass. I've made a lot of progress on my self-esteem. I think maybe now I will start working on my sense of gratitude. Today, I am thankful for my delicious cup of coffee.

Thank you!

Hi, I'm Blue! I started a similar art project, to draw the word "Blue" over and over in different ways. You're a much better artist than I am. I like worms and bugs, too. It's fun to watch worms wriggle. My request for a worm is, I'd like a blue worm. Thanks!

123, blue worm

If you're in the U.K. sign this petition to ensure transgender people continue being treated in mainstream hospital wards!

Happy midnight! Today is a new day, and the start of a new era. Today I draw for you the sacred Triforce. Daily Affirmation: My name is Blue, and my past does not define me.

Happy midnight! The old day is gone, and good riddance to it. This is a new day! And every day can be the start of a new era.

Okay, I need to get back to my art therapy. It is important to have a purpose in life. Daily Affirmation: My name is Blue, and I can be happy if I try.

Hey, I found another artist doing a repetitive art project. They're drawing worms over and over again. I like bugs and worms. Check them out!

62, woems

I'm a former janitor. Sanitation adds at least 20 years to our average life expectancy, maybe 30. Sanitation saves more lives than medicine, by a lot. If you are alive, your life has been saved by sanitation. Being a janitor should be a solid middle-class job, like being a garbage collector.

i think janitor should be the highest paying job in a society

One thing that I had to learn after my fundamentalist upbringing Is that it's not always healthy to forgive people. We shouldn't always turn the other cheek, And we shouldn't love our enemies.

Thank you. Yes, I REALLY do need to affirm my new name. I still have to use my old name in real life. I need to keep reinforcing my new name by using it here, so that my new sense of identity is not extinguished. So I started an art therapy project to draw my new name in different ways.

I am too depressed to do anything, and my thoughts are troubled by paranoia. However, I feel more stable than I did yesterday. Daily Affirmation: My name is Blue, and feeling bad does not make me a bad person.

I am too depressed to do anything, and my thoughts are troubled by paranoia. However, I feel more stable than I did yesterday. Daily Affirmation: My name is Blue, and feeling bad does not make me a bad person.

Happy midnight! Today is a new day! I am terrified to go panhandling. I don't think I can do it. I would need to be actually homeless to have enough desperation. I guess that means I'm giving up nicotine. But that stuff is bad for me anyway. Would you beg on the streets to avoid nicotine withdrawal? It seems, for me, the answer is "no."