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Hidden Walmart guide

i’ve been getting a lot of comments about how i pulled off my last Hidden Walmart exploit so i thought i’d go ahead and make a basic guide on how to do it. i’m no expert and be aware that you do this at your own risk

What is a Hidden Walmart?

most people have at least one walmart in their city. but what if i told you that there’s nearly always an extra walmart that you can’t see? to understand why, you need to dial the clock back to 1967. the founder of walmart, sam walton, had finally begun mass expansion across the US. it had already opened nearly 30 stores, and was at no sign of stopping. sam walton was projected to become a tycoon with his fair prices and business skills, but there was one thing holding him back: bubble-gum.

sam walton was a fervent believer that bubble gum was made from spider eggs. he was convinced that spider eggs were ground up and mixed into the sticks of chewable candy, but also was sure that bubble gum companies would cut back costs on their spider-proofing technology with the anti-sugar hysteria that was still sizzling in american suburbia, causing some embedded spider eggs to make it through the proofing process. sam walton theorized that the spider eggs would be mutated by human bodily fluids and give birth to a race of giant superspiders that would hatch from the inside of its victims and wreak havoc on his country. but sam walton was also notoriously circumspect, and was determined to preserve the legacy of his grocer chain at all costs.

after only a few years into the expansion of walmart stores, sam walton signed a behind-the-scenes contract with the stuhler construction company. the agreement obligated the construction firm to build a near-identical, underground walmart directly underneath the original. the only differences between the “Hidden Walmart” (HWM) and the “Root Walmart” (RWM) are that the Hidden Walmart is devoid of entrances and exits of any kind. in addition, every Hidden Walmart is fitted with a very primitive scanner designed to detect the presence of any arachnid buds, which would then lead to the underground building to saturate itself with high doses of gamma radiation if the scanners read anything.

the intention was clear: sam walt wanted to create a series of underground walmarts designed to persist and thrive while the surface world was ravaged by overgrown spiders. obviously, the spider apocalypse never happened, but for legal reasons the walton family today is still obligated to honor sam’s corporate order, so even the newest walmart stores today have hidden counterparts. the walmarts themselves are devoid of any staff, and it’s unknown how exactly anyone was supposed to enter the buildings (the area around the Hidden Walmart is always filled with cement), but this is where my tip comes in, because believe it or not, there is a way to get into your local Hidden Walmart.

Preparation

if you do not prepare for your venture into a hidden walmart, you risk death, or at least serious injury. thankfully, prep is minimum, and can change the outcome of your exploration. it’s advised you wear thick clothing, because the Hidden Walmart will be at least one mile underground, and devoid of sunlight. anything warm will do, but it’s crucial, and i mean crucial, that you wear a pair of reebok walking shoes. it’s not known why, but they seem to be one of the main things that allow you to enter any Hidden Walmart. anything made before 2001 will not work. generally, white pairs work the best, but i don’t think you need to be a stickler for color.

the other thing you’re going to need is a bag of flaming hot cheetoes. just trust me on this. i’ll explain why later.

Queering the HWM

now you have the necessary stuff, so let’s get to Hidden Walmart spelunking. first you’re going to need to pick a walmart, which shouldn’t be hard. once you’ve arrived at the Root Walmart, you’re gonna need to find the hardware section, which will either be labeled simply “Hardware” or “Home Detailing Appliances”. find a nail gun in the aisle, generally any will do. after finding it, you need to lie it perpendicularly against the bottom part of the rack, at least between 90° and less than 180°. from there, you’re gonna want to find a corner in the aisle. if there is no corner, you’re probably just gonna have to find another store. when you get to the corner, you need to bend over, rear facing the wall, and touch both feet with your hands. hold that pose for about 20 seconds, and you’ll feel a weight pulling on you. keep holding. what’s happening is the nail gun‘s mapping is starting to collide with yours, causing you to build up speed. at exactly one minute, let go, and if you do it right, you should clip through the ground at long enough of a distance until you suddenly pop right into the Hidden Walmart. you’ve done it.

Arrival

i’m not gonna lie. there isn’t much to do at a Hidden Walmart. the merchandise at it will be as old as the walmart above it, meaning you won’t be finding anything new unless the walmart is ~2 years old. visiting Hidden Walmarts is a way of exploring the untouched and, depending on the walmart’s age, traveling back to the past. one thing i forgot to mention: if you visit the Hidden Walmart and you have eaten in the past 3 - 5 hours, do not enter the makeup or book sections of the store. those are generally where the spider-egg scanners are positioned. it’s a primitive technology that hasn‘t been developed since the 60s, and it’s been known to mistake still-digesting organic matter in a person’s body for spider eggs. if you pass those areas after recently eating, you risk enduring lethal amounts of radiation.

Finishing the Adventure

so you’ve explored the Hidden Walmart, and seen everything there is to see. but there are no doors or exits! how do you get home? this is where the flaming hot cheetos bag comes in. technically, when you’re in the Hidden Walmart, you’re still in the Root Walmart as well. consider it like the Root Walmart unknowingly giving you a “preview” of the Hidden Walmart, although your body in the Hidden Walmart is very much real. however, when someone “previewing” a Hidden Walmart makes a sound at a high enough decibel, the Root Walmart automatically reacts by ripping the visitor in the HWM out of the store and back into the original. the human voice isn’t capable of that, but the loud popping sound of a flaming hot cheetos bag is. i don’t know why it’s specifically flaming hot cheetos. some of my friends have said the capsacin in the snack make the air inside more brittle and loud, but i don’t know if that’s true. at any rate, it ought to take you back to the original walmart so you can return home.

this is an amateur guide, like i said, but hopefully this should give you guys a kickstart into the world of Hidden Walmarts. if you have any extra advice you’d like me to add onto the guide, please message me! happy HWMing!

EDIT: fellow HWMer circutspit has just notified me saying that it’s also for the best that you avoid all canines for at least a week after visiting your local Hidden Walmart. for some reason, the process of noclipping leaves an odor that’s undetectable to most animals except dogs, and they just happen to attack anything that smells of it. thanks for the tip!

Building Seattle | Via

“The instincts of the pioneer led them aright. Although not without its difficulties, the situation of Seattle is unique among the cities of the world.”

-Arthur H. Dimock 1926

At the beginning of the 20th century, Seattle, Washington was rapidly becoming a major hub of trade in the Pacific Northwest.

Situated on a narrow, hilly isthmus, the city needed to grow in an organized way.

Following a fire which razed much of the downtown area, City Engineer R.H. Thomson took the opportunity to spearhead a wide-ranging effort to tame the terrain around the city and prepare it for a century of growth.

Canals were dug, rivers were diverted and mountains were moved.

In particular, the glacial hills and ridges which separated neighborhoods from the downtown waterfront were deemed a major impediment to travel and commerce, and a prime target for removal.

From the 1890s through the 1920s, more than 50 million cubic yards of earth were scraped away with pick axes, water cannons, steam shovels and conveyor belts. Much of the displaced earth was used for filling in tidal flats on the waterfront.

The “regrading” of the terrain was a boon for some. Downtown residential real estate value was estimated to have increased 1,000% in two years. The owner of the hilltop Denny Hotel (later called the Washington Hotel) was so optimistic about the increase in land value that he tore down the hotel himself.

A popular myth held that some land owners refused to yield their property to the city. While negotiations proceeded, engineers were forced to continue the regrading around them. These untouched properties, looming dozens of feet above flattened plains of dirt, came to be called “spite mounds.”

In fact, there is no evidence that any of the owners of these mounds were opposed to the regrade. James Kelley, owner of several of the mounds, supported  the regrade, but was late to lower his properties because he was out of town when contracting began.

When regrading finally ceased with the onset of the Great Depression, the shape of the city had been radically changed.

But the ghost of the old city remains — underground. Some of the Victorian ground level streets remain as a subterranean network of tunnels and passageways beneath the sidewalk.

(via Martin_Johnson_Heade_-_Two_Owls_at_Sunset.jpg (1452×1074))

“Spine Corset” by Shaun Leane for Alexander McQueen, SS ‘98.

Carl Larsson (28 May 1853 – 22 January 1919) 

Swedish painter representative of the Arts and Crafts movement. His many paintings include oils, watercolors, and frescoes. He considered his finest work to be Midvinterblot (Midwinter Sacrifice), a large painting now displayed inside the Swedish National Museum of Fine Arts. (Wikipedia)

From our stacks: Illustrations from The Angel of Death By Johan Olaf Wallin. Translated from the Swedish in the original meters by Clement B. Shaw, A.M. Illustrated by Carl Larsson. Chicago: The Engberg-Holmberg Pub. Co., 1910.

Matt McCreary