Finally Finding Out What’s Wrong With Me: 😃

The Other Side by Dean Cornwell, 1918

You know what I wish?

I wish I could speak to someone who understands what it’s like having an ACTAUL ED. Not just “oh my god I didn’t eat breakfast I’m so anorexic” haha. Fuck you.

I wish I could speak to someone who understands having to be a mother to your own mother.

I wish I could speak to someone who understands what it’s like to not know yourself because you’re always looking out for someone else.

Because you are always having to be the person who is there for everyone; the person that no one is there for.

The therapist.

The one who swallows their pride because how dare they have an opinion.

How dare they have feelings.

How dare they be a person.

How dare they be a person and not a therapist.

Perhaps it shouldn't, but it does.

It pisses me off when people, especially those close to you, are aware of certain things. That you were nearly sent to a centre for an ED, one that you've had for seven years. One which causes a fistfight to occur in your brain everyday of your life. They know these things, and yet, they don't understand that their words hurt. Because the second you (how dare you) pick up weight, all of a sudden its their goal in life to make it known that you have.

As someone who has grown up with an underactive thyroid, developing an ED is not uncommon. It is 10x more difficult to lose weight, and often this is just the outcome. And as soon as you hit your goal, something could happen that throws your whole body out of whack - for me, it was a new job. The stress causes hormones to go crazy, and in turn, thyroid levels to go down; drastically. And this leads to weight gain - unintentional and uncontrollable weight gain. And yet, those who know the story, still feel the need to rub it in - that something happened that was out of my control. That my body itself, hates me as much as I hate it.

Mia Goth in ‘maXXXine’ as Maxine Minx, 2024 dir . ti West, X trilogy

BABE YOU’re a F*CKING STAR!

why are you giving up when the only thing you’ve ever wanted is to be skinny

yeah, sorry i exhibited symptoms of the disorder i told you i have. it will happen again because i have that disorder and will continue having it. hope this helps!! 🫶🫶🫶

Random vent, but I hate the way BPD is romanticised in the media.

Babe, it is not something to romanticise, it isn’t a trendy hard-shelled girl in a horror movie, or a sarcastic depressed teen in a coming of age series.

It is anger. It is a rage that fills your body to the point where you can’t hear yourself over your heart beating at the pace of a Metallica drum solo.

It is trying to keep it together over and over, and falling apart over something as simple as your shirt getting caught on a door handle.

It is hitting yourself in the head out of anger. It is ripping up clothes, it is punching the nearest thing to you, it is tears falling down your cheeks while you scream out of rage.

It is numb. It is sitting in the same position for hours because there’s no point in getting up. It is boredom and tunnel vision. It is being trapped behind a screen in your mind, watching your life fly past, nothing feeling real.

It is abusing substances to feel something other than nothing. Something other than anger. A fleeting moment of euphoria and ego boost.

It is pushing everyone away, and going silent. It is pulling everyone back in with love bombs the second you feel like they’re going to leave you.

It is compulsive lies, even over little things. It is defending yourself even when you know you’re in the wrong. It is crying during a fight to turn the situation around, turning yourself into the victim, making endless excuses.

It is knowing all of these horrible things are a part of your personality. Knowing that what you hate the most about yourself, is stuck with you.

It’s not romantic, it’s not cinematic, it’s not poetic. I wish it was, but it’s not.

"How are you never hungry?!"

Babe, you do know I have a literal ED right?