My Dawg

i feel like shauna being the butcher and the antler queen….is kind of starting to make a lot more sense to me. shauna is angry and resentful because the rest of these girls (and travis) have made her the butcher. she butchers because she’s the only one that can do it, and she feels like all of the other girls owe her for the work thats she’s done. she’s angry that natalie gets the praise she wants and deserves because she had to cut up javi, she had to give the okay for the rest of the girls to eat her best friend. so when natalie fucks up and lottie says shauna should become leader, she twists her role as the leader to create fear and push her unspoken resentment about the rest of the group not having to experience the things she has. she makes natalie cut up coach, and dismember mari.

i think we all know that shauna is angry, the butchering and the trauma have pushed all levels of actual humanity out of her. death and destruction dont phase her anymore. yet what i really think a huge part of everyone following shauna’s orders is pure guilt. they didn’t know what it was like for her, to lose her best friend and baby and having the butcher javi because none of the rest of them couldn’t. she is scary to them because they have had to watch this girl at the lowest moments of her entire life. they watched her shake jackie’s corpse and talk to it for months. are they really scared of her? or are they guilty? i’m thinking it’s a bit of both idk i hope this made sense

we talk a lot about shauna losing jackie and her baby boy and yes those are major traumas. however, i think the moment that truly changed her fundamentally was butchering javi. that moment is truly symbolic of what shes sacrificed for all of the others. she let him die to save nat and then his blood was literally on her hands because no one else could handle the burden of butchering him. this is a kid she LIKED. that she had some small bond with. she had to pull her headband over her eyes because she couldnt bear to look at what she was doing. and the others just left her alone out there cutting up his body because none of them could bear to even watch it. so shauna shoulders it alone. how does the human brain even cope with that experience? especially since every single time gen brings back a kill, shauna has to butcher that animal and relive that moment in some way again and again

and whats crazy is yes shauna resorts to violence easily, shes impulsive and deeply angry, but she doesnt enjoy killing. when she threatened the carjacker her words were much more about the power she felt over him, enjoying the fear of someone who'd wronged her, than actually threatening his life. shes willing to kill for power and control, but her relationship with the actual physical act is complex. sometimes trauma can become strangely familar and soothing, maybe thats why shauna butchers the rabbit in season 1. its like a fucked up coping mechanism based in her need to feel a level of control. and it was okay in her mind, because the rabbit had wronged her, ruined her flowers. but when gen comes back from a hunt with nothing, dont you think shaunas the one who chooses which innocent duck or rabbit has to die so that everyone can eat? like why do you think she cried over the goat? It was probably the first time in her life she was handed something innocent and told, very explicitly, that she was not going to have to hurt it.

essentially what im saying is you dont have to agree with shaunas actions to see her point of view. all she does is feed them. she told them it was what jackie wanted. she told them to wait for javi to drown. each time shes shouldered the actual burden of the choice. and all whilst not even having any faith, in the wilderness or otherwise, to alleviate her guilt. pregnant and starving and she never took extra, she makes sure everyone eats to the detriment of herself, and what does she get in return? shes left alone. in pain. she lashes out at anyone who comes near her and because of it they give up on her, like she isnt what they made her. reliving her trauma every time she peels the skin off a stag. her baby is turned into a diety for a faith she doesnt even believe in. jackie and javi too. the others take her real, human losses and make them mythology, stake a claim on them before shes even had a chance to properly grieve. and ofc these are just kids in an impossible situation needing something to believe in, so you cant even rly judge them for it. but that doesnt make shaunas rage any less understandable

jules why did i let you do this to me

Touch

these are all so good i’m throwing up

okay yes to the hc that ronan dreams flowers after romantic firsts with adam (a la rose petals on the bed after their first time), but also picture this: adam wakes up in the morning the day after they said (actually said it no tamquams here) they loved each other OR morning after jordeclan wedding/pynch proposal and the room is FULL of wildflowers. like it looks like they are in a meadow in cabeswater, just flowers EVERYWHERE and ronan wakes up to adam legit laughing his ass off. they both sneeze from the pollen (why is there dream pollen) and have to clean it up but adam doesn’t want to just throw them away so they spend the day pressing the flowers into books, drying them into bouquets, trying to plant them, giving them out in vases to friends, etc.

keep thinking about lottie saying "It never meant what you thought it meant" about the necklace. jackie saying "Now nothing can touch you" when she first gave it to shauna. because hasnt jackie kept that promise? hasnt the necklace protected shauna all along? didnt jackie and javi's deaths keep shauna fed? wasnt shauna wearing the necklace when she gave birth? wasnt nat wearing it when she kept the cabin fire burning to keep them warm? when she led them into a little golden age so prosperous they were wasting food and playing games? wont coach bens death ultimately lead to them being home and safe again? every time the necklace changes hands it coincides with an action that keeps shauna alive. lottie's right, shauna doesn't understand what the necklace means but maybe that makes sense. she never really understood jackie either. jackie loved her and yet shauna chose to see only bad intentions, just like she does with the necklace. when it comes down to it maybe there is no wilderness, no nature spirit or god. maybe it was always just jackie.

nat being the one to find out abt misty destroying the 'transponder' is exactly how it was always going to go and i LOVE its where we ended up. its why adult nat is so cold and jaded and wary around adult misty, its why she knows inherently that misty cuts her battery cable, tampering w something again to be close to her. why nat is not completely surprised at misty spying on her in her hotel room with a camera. like sorry, since nat's s1 misty hallucination its always been them, intertwined in this resentful and twisted and devoted red string of fate they keep tugging and tugging on until misty eventually strangles her

no one is doing it like them. taivan you will always be famous

They nailed it.

"If I were orpheus I wouldn't look back"

But we look back everyday- rechecking emails, making sure a friend is still behind you, checking to see if you remebered to pick up your keys. It's second nature, a habit of care.

It was second nature for him too. He looked back, not out of weakness, but love. For what is love, if not to look back?