I Gotta Piss Hard. See You In A Sec

A Snowy Day in Liurnia

“Mother says you’re not to be trusted,” the young girl said, twirling a finger in her red locks. The woman laughed, her large hat flopping about strangely in the girl’s eyes. It made her smile in spite of her uncertainty. The crone knelt down somewhat to meet her gaze, cold blue eyes crowning a warm smile.

“Thine mother speaks true, my dear. Trust is a thing earned, not given. Though, in time will thou too grant it?” She said, as a weathered hand reached out and pat her head, softly. The girl stepped aback, not in fright but surprise. The woman’s touch was frigid as ice. It was true then. She really was the snow witch.

“…are you the reason why it’s snowing now? The manor’s never seen a blizzard before…” the young Ranni asked, taking steps forward again. The snow witch smiled further, a spark of mischief to her grin now. 

“Tis not easy to get the attention of the Carians, dear. A full moon oft outshines a dark one, after all.” She let out a laugh, shrill as the icicles hanging from the manor’s eaves. Ranni smiled, laughing too. How had this stranger crept inside the castle’s walls though? Rennala and Radagon were vigilant as any since the war had ended, but a snowfall had drawn the attention to the now frozen lake beyond the walls and the Academy. 

A fog had crept in that morning, and with it, a stooped figure tending to the trees in the small groves tucked away in the Carian Manor. Ranni had ran out to explore the growing drifts, but had found the curious figure plucking snowflakes from the air as one might take fruit hanging from a branch. 

“Tis a good omen though, young mistress,” the hag said, finally putting away her little game. An omen indeed, a guiding light of the moon had brought her here, and the one to answer the call had surprised her further. The daughter of Rennala and Radagon themselves would be her student. 

“An… Omen?” the girl stepped back, fear tinging her voice. The snow witch merely laughed again, this time loudly and the snow gathering around them seemed to sparkle with each note of her voice.

“Oh, mine apologies dearest, tis not what I meant. A sign. A very good, sign. Thou art steeped in sorcery, thy blood calls out to it and it responds. Thine path is bright, perhaps brighter than most,” she stooped down again, this time resting fully on her heels. The odd down garb sparkled like starlight in the grove, bringing the young Ranni closer still. 

“…if you… really think so. The Academy teaches sorcery…” was all she could manage to say. The snow witch tilted her head at that, her smile going from one of mischief to something dark and bitter, as a sour taste received when sweetness was expected. She relaxed however, recalling her purpose here.

“The Academy is most equipped to turn lesser minds into vessels, ready to receive instruction from thy mother and her students. Thou, however, deserve something better than that. She will teach thou what she must, but I have a question for thee.” 

Ranni looked up as the snow witch stood, her cold, blue eyes almost glowing in the shadow of her strange hat.

“What is it?” she squeaked, feeling a tinge of fear. The hag shut her eyes, smiling that softer smile again. She tilted her head before extending a hand.

“I can teach thee not of Glintstone, but of ice and cold. Of the chill of night and starlight.” She whispered, lowering herself once more to meet Ranni’s gaze evenly. The young child furrowed her brows, a hand brushing damp bangs back from the wetness of the snowfall. 

“A chill night? It’s so cold now though!” she complained, folding her arms and pouting. The witch giggled at that. She was indeed the perfect student. 

‘Oh young Ranni, thou shalt learn beautifully,’ the snow witch thought.  

Once again our paths converge. Welcome to this humble emporium of wares, named after one such commander of runes, dubbed the "dollar general." I stand as thy guide amidst these mundane treasures. I ask thee, what purpose bringeth thee to this realm of commerce today? And should thou be in need of aid, callest upon me with thine inquiries.

I wake up at 5am to go to work and as I walk out the door I hear something.

“Tarnished, a word.  Before thou sees fit to return from thy daily toils, I would ask of thee, a boon.  Bring to me a bounty of crispy cheese snacks, and I shall reward thee handsomely.  Seek Joe the Trader in his abode, he may provide what I seek, for a price…”

Rykard social media feed:

“Only by embracing the strength of the Great Serpent may we throw off the shackles of the gods. Click HERE to donate to the Church of Eiglay, or sign up to give yourself up as a sacrifice!”

“Introducing the ABDUCTOR VIRGIN: a new, never-before-seen, cutting-edge innovation in weapons of war, designed specifically for the Volcano Manor’s noble struggle against the armies of the Erdtree.” [most horrifying image you’ve ever seen]

[pic of the minor erdtree on fire]

[art commission of the erdtree burning]

“Through strength, unity, and taking by force, we shall claim our freedom from the gods’ tyranny once and for all. If we must descend into blasphemy and sin to end their reign of terror, then so be it.”

[thirst trap]

[quote retweet of Elden Lord Radagon Official’s post] you should kill yourself… NOW

[retweet of General Radahn celebrating Leonard’s birthday]

Hell’s Chicken Sinner Sprites

In light of recent events, let’s not forget that H. Bomberguy is responsible for driving a formerly-beloved transphobic TV writer into a downward spiral that cost him his career and his family… all by playing Donkey Kong.

favorite thing to put on a bagel?

chicken nuggys 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍 i really like chicken nuggies 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

chicken nuggy 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍 yikes tho, i love nutella or strawberry jam skjfgndflk dgf

all this talk about goncharov but i dont see anybody posting the soundtrack??? like how are you gonna talk about this movie without the music

"Messmer is Miquella" this "Messmer is Melina" that, we all know who Messmer *really* is