kei-exe

Latest Posts by kei-exe

Sooo... this whole feeling of perpetually being an outsider, like everyone else is in preexisting social structures that you missed your chance to get in on when they were forming and if you tried to interact with them now and start the kind of bonds you see between them, you'd just be intruding where you're not welcome and come off as clueless at best and an entitled creep at worst... when does that go away?

Cuz it's been a couple decades now and uh, not to rush the process but I'm getting pretty done with it

i have faith that one day someone is going to make an anime about girls who play tabletop wargames with all the standard tropes and intensity of a high school sports anime

Obviously there'll be a bunch of reasons why, but I think one of the reasons ultrakill is so popular with trans people is it's overstimulating, and makes it kinda hard to think.

It's the same reason that stereotypical transfemme music is super loud and fast electronic hyperpop type stuff (femtanyl :3), and the reason there has been such a surge in puppygirls.

To be trans, you kinda gotta think about a lot of shit, and a lot of it isn't very nice. Being overstimulated and and unable to think about anything complex is a nice escape, for a little bit.

Maybe I'm just projecting, but there may be some kinda pattern idk :3

The main reason I started hrt is cause I realised that I couldn't cry, and that I really wanted to. It's nice to be able to feel, even just a little bit more, and I wish I'd done it sooner. The only downside is I'm now starting to realise how bad things really were before I did.

 Normal non-obsessive teenage girls

On the path I walk to work, there's a ruined church. There's a dead pigeon. It's been there for a few weeks now.

I try not to look, but every time, I can tell its been moved slightly, and that there's a little less of it.

Man I'm so lonely. I haven't had any friends since high-school.

I literally don't have any friends, irl or online. For a while the closest thing I had was a bird who would eat out of my hand at the park.

It's a good thing I have my family

Breakfast! I love Rement minis. They're so cute :3

Plato would've freaked tf out if he saw a kangaroo

I kinda disassociated throughout the entirety of high school, and beyond. It's only in the last 2-3 years I've started to become more conscious (shout out to medication)

On one hand, I think I had to disassociate. It would have been too much, the normal stress of high school on top of multiple undiagnosed mental illnesses, if I had been there and feeling everything the entire time. I don't think I would have been able to get through it. But I did (albeit at like, the bare minimum). In that way, disassociating kinda saved my life.

But on the other hand, what life? I missed out on so much. I could barely keep up with the mandatory, so there was no time for anything else. I had some friends, but there was always a distance. I think they tolerated me more than they liked me. I never went to anyone's house or hung out after school really. I went to the cinema with someone once. I didn't even play online games with anyone. I never did any after school clubs. All I did outside of school was sit at home and play games or read manga or browse the Internet or any other useless distraction that I thought would bring some joy. It worked sometimes, but not enough. It all felt so empty

Writing this makes me feel bad. People are out there with real problems and I'm bitching about how I didn't min-max high school. It literally doesn't matter at all. Posting this is like littering, but fuckin whatever

Hello world. First post.

I've never had a blog, so i dont really know how they work. Im not going to add tags, so hopefully this doesn't clog up anyones timelines.

Now that i can say anything i dont really know what to say. The thought that anyone with access to the internet can see this is mortifying, but thats exactly why i should post it.

Nothing will ever get better if i dont try