Constantly Grieving Over What I Went Through And How I Made Up For Myself

i want to melt into this bed and be stuffed with rocks until im all filled up so i cant be awoken and my soul drifts off my body and takes part in my day to day experiences and i am left to soak in my sweat and sleep forever

can someone hire me as a lighthouse keeper. my grip on reality is soooo stable and i will behave so normally under conditions of extreme isolation. and i promise i wont try to fuck the light

back home

i think its hard for me to be alone. my english professor told us today that all relationships we are in and lose are failures and you lose and lose and lose until you find a person and you're with them forever. it made me realize that i want to find a girl that fits into my edges and cracks and fills me with soil and cement and stitches me up like im a used dog toy. i want a girl to hold my head in her arms and kiss my forehead as i tell her my nightmare. i want a girl to lay down beside me under the stars on a picnic blanket and tell me about her biggest dream as i fear for frogs. i want her to show me when a butterfly lands on her nose, or call my name to kiss me in the bath. i want a girl who holds me close when she sleeps, and i want to fall asleep listening to her heartbeat until i have it memorized and i'm so convinced it beats in tandem with mine. thats why its hard for me to be alone. i have all these dreams of a mystery girl that i want to give my love to, a love all mine that we can share, i have so much to give and so much to love, and i want to devote it to her. i just want her already

i have this deep need to stuff myself full of used up dirty towels and let it soak up all my blood so i'm left with just dried organs and i am a useless vessel that is empty of all fluids so i won't be able to cry

i love you, i do love you so much but I don't know what you want from me anymore. you consume my day I think about nothing but losing you and just that doesn't feel right. i defend you I argue for you I want to cry but I don't, I don't know anymore

The soundtrack ripping my soul right out of my body didn’t help either

# those adults that were like second parents for you and cared and loved you like so. suddenly you grew away from their eyes and they cant grasp that youre 19 and no longer 11 but they still understand you more than anyone else

seeing people from your childhood that knew you before you knew yourself is nostalgic but it kills you when you realize they dont know you now

i hope i sleep and wake up in a dream where i'm a jellyfish that floats forever without a thought