I Keep Telling Myself And Others That I Never Thought I Would Make It To 18 And Its True In A Way But
i keep telling myself and others that i never thought i would make it to 18 and its true in a way but i never thought i would be the reason behind it. the future remains illogical to me, like unscrewing a laptop and attempting to dissect the complicated mechanics when i'm no expert and do not even know the linguistic term of someone who specializes in laptops. i am not even a beginner, i was chosen in a random lottery by a greater force that i vaguely and barely believe in (i probably don't) and i had to be here as a creature, a specimen riddled with anxiety and pressure and stomach aches that come and go before the mental breakdowns. i can't even imagine what lies ahead of me and i'm too scared to. i wish i wasn't this old i wish i could just curl into my mothers arms and kiss her cheek and let her caress my face as the afternoon light shines but fails to interrupt my well deserved nap. i wish i could just love the four people i was aware the existence of and not explore the crevices of my social life and remain clean of all emotional ties that cause further pain because i'm sure heartbreak would ruin me. i wish to remain in a jelly form, floating away into the unknown ocean that i am terrified of but cannot help having a bit of curiosity for. i wish i wish i wish. i wish i didn't have to turn 18 as it serves as an unfair reminder for the ill preparation i have planned for my next steps, i wish i could make my parents proud.
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happy first day of spring!!! snufkin returns to moominvalley today 🌸🌿
sometimes, i see myself as one with the ocean. i think it's foolish, i think it's selfish, i think it's outlandish for a human being to even think about comparing themselves to a celestial being as inexplicable as the sea. i think, i've spent too much time with myself tonight, how can i compare myself to the ocean when i don't understand myself? comparisons deserve explanations, they deserve examples, they should have a structure, but when has the ocean had any of this? you see, the ocean has zones. the sunlight zone, the twilight zone, the midnight zone, the abyssal zone, and the hadal zone. the deeper we dive, the less we see. in fact, we can't even dive that deep. even then, most creatures are not capable of surviving in water that deep as the water pressure is incomprehensible, so it's mostly empty. i think about this and i think, oh, that is me. the deeper you get, the harder it is to hold people in, the harder it is that i don't destroy them within milliseconds. the deeper it is, the more mystery there lies, when in reality, the mystery is just emptiness. it's that incomprehensible feeling of utter emptiness that surrounds your stomach and makes it ache in ways that cannot be shown to other people so you surround it with the pressure that can crush people and creatures that are see-through and weirdly surviving because trauma can be repressed but some part of it aches to to be remembered and perceived like some sort of fish that looks like a blob or a megalodon that is a folktale. it doesn't matter. the ocean doesn't want you to explore its depths, if it did, it wouldn't have made it impossible to survive down there if you're not its secret little creatures. the ocean wants you to stay out, i want you to stay out
Gregorio Fernández - Cristo yacente (1636).
To YOU it’s bad writing. To ME it’s a very nuanced piece of work that explores subtle intricacies without outright saying it. And also it’s bad writing
i want to melt into this bed and be stuffed with rocks until im all filled up so i cant be awoken and my soul drifts off my body and takes part in my day to day experiences and i am left to soak in my sweat and sleep forever
the calendar was not kidding when it said september
do you ever sit there in your bed with your head in your hands and it's like you can just imagine 9 swords behind you
i know i was meant to live near the ocean so i could sit on the sandy beach, talk to the waves and walk into the water when my time is done
and i wish to be angelic and for plants and flowers to grow in the path i walk and not because i am holy but because i am so beautiful they cannot resist
but i also wish to drink all of the water on this world and rub the dirt onto my body until i become part of it and the plants and flowers become part of me and the water flows from the pores of my body and we all become lost in the complete tranquillity and lunacy of it all and my mind drowns in the middle and i no longer exist as a form of anything but a planet in the vast universe of vaster universes and the milky way swallows me up as we wander together
