Fragile Pieces

Why am I like this

Sometimes I open tumblr because I feel like writing. And then I sit and stare at the blank canvas that longs to be filled by my thoughts but I just...can’t. I can’t. And it makes me angry. I want to write something, I need to write something, but trying to pin down the words that are constantly circling around my head makes me realize that I don’t have a f*vking clue.

I don’t know

Anything

I’m lost in my own mind and the longer I stare at the letters in front of me the harder it gets to come back up and breathe fresh air.

I don’t know

Anything

At all

And I can’t help but hate the words that make it onto the pages because they are not what I want them to be and they make me believe things that aren’t there and

Damn

I really don’t know

Anything

At all

Or at least that’s what this post makes me believe.

You couldn’t give me the love I deserved

You hurt me really bad without regretting a single one of your moves

But I’ve learned that that’s okay

You broke me and had fun with it

I’ve grown from it, you’re still stuck

I won

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

„Silence says a lot more than you think“

Shine on

“I love looking at the night sky”

“You do? Weren’t you always scared of the dark?”

“I was- I mean I still am, but look how bright everything up there seems to be. Isn’t it amazing to know that most of these stars don’t even exist anymore, but their light still travels through space and brightens our nights? Something that’s long gone and still shows us its beauty.”

“That surely is wonderful.”

“I know, right?”

“But then what about the moon? It needs to be shown off by the sun, can’t even shine by itself and still - everyone is amazed by it. Isn’t that unfair?”

“Some grace needs help to blossom. I love the moon and everything about it. These nightly rays that light up the dark and then feeling them shine on me - that makes me feel magical.”

“You are magical.”

“Don’t you dare try to make this about me. It’s about the beauty of the universe.”

“But why? When I feel your eyes on me I feel magical, I feel like you help me blossom every single day and I for sure guarantee you that your beauty will forever shine on in this universe.”

“Don’t be silly, I ain’t got no shine. And it won’t be seen forever in no universe.”

“In my universe it will.”

Making it count

Last week I was at a classmates funeral. Everything about it seemed wrong. She just turned 18 three weeks ago, therefore being way too young to leave this world and as I stood at her open grave, looking down at the bright wooden coffin her dainty body was in, imagining her just sleeping inside, I felt like I’m living my life the wrong way.

In that moment everything seemed so important to me. Because standing there, watching her older sister break down in tears, filled my heart with so much fear of not only dying but losing people I love before I had the chance to tell them everything I wanted them to know and spending as much time together as possible.

In that moment I wanted to call both my parents and tell them I loved them.

I wanted to wrap my arms around every single one of my friends and thank them for the best memories ever.

I wanted to tell my favourite teachers how much they inspired me and helped to create a new version, a better one, of me throughout the past years.

I wanted to make sure my brother knew that he has always been my favourite person on this planet no matter how hard we had fought in the past.

I wanted to show up at this particular boy’s door and just kiss him and thank him for slowly putting back all the pieces of my broken heart another one had left me alone with.

I wanted to be fearless. To be brave enough to just do whatever I felt like. To stop caring about what others might think of me and do whatever my heart desired.

I wanted to make every single minute of my life count, because I realized how fast everything might fall apart.

RIP Leo,

forever loved.

“Every time I look at you, I fall in love all over again”

I realized that I don’t miss you

I don’t miss you

I miss the way we were when we were together

I miss being held

I miss being loved

I miss having a “us”

But not us in particular

Because we were wrong in so many ways

So no, I don’t miss you

I just miss having a you

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

“I’m going to succeed because I’m crazy enough to think I can”

My brain is stupid I guess but at least my best friend isn’t

“I don’t love him, but that’s not the problem. The problem is that deep down I know that I could love him, but my body just tells me not to. I know that I would love every little feature of him. His stupid jokes, his deep questions he always sends me right after work, his way of telling me that he likes me, the way he wraps his arms around me and puts his head on my chest like he would like to melt into me, his tickle attacks whenever he notices that my mind is zoned out again, his texts in the middle of the night whenever he’s out with friends asking me whether I’m still awake because he misses my voice and would like to call me but doesn’t want to wake me up, his hand running up and down my spine just out of reflex as soon as I’m next to him, the way he smiles at me when he sees me smiling already and so much more. Oh god believe me I know I could love him with all my heart. What’s wrong with me for not loving him?”

“Give it some time. I’ve never heard you talk about anyone like that before, maybe what you experience is love, real love I mean. Maybe you are just so overwhelmed that your first instinct is to build up a wall, but deep down you know you could love him. Maybe you need to let that wall down to see that you’ve loved him all this time already.”

“But what if not? What if this time I’m the heartbreaker?”

“At least you would know that you’ve tried.”

“I don’t want to know that I’ve tried, I want it to work.”

“Then make it work.”

Full Moon

Seeing you again was

different than I had anticipated it

It was

Alright

For my soul somehow found peace in the pain that you had left me with

Learning and growing in the process of it

Phases

I’m a full moon now

I like your stars around

But I don’t need you to light up my night

I am the moon

In full beauty

Shining through the darkness

By myself

Like it was always meant to be

~ excerpts of me moving on ~